It's Been 25 years and This Scene from "3 Ninjas" Still Pisses Me Off

Okay, I've been silent for far too long about this: The basketball scene in the 1992 movie "3 Ninjas" is bullshit. There is a laundry list of issues I've had with this scene. The absurdity of the events that happen have driven me crazy since I was a kid. Even as a five year old, self-proclaimed, ninja*, I have had issues with this.

Now, to be clear, I love this movie. As a nearly 30-year-old man, I will still make fun of my friends who is talking to a girl by chanting "Rocky loves Emily!" It's a classic and will never die. This movie was what made me believe I was a ninja. However, I cannot let this stand.

This nearly four minute video is action-packed with things that need to be addressed, so I want to break this scene down and analyze the buffoonery that occurs and discuss it's ridiculousness.

NOTE: I am well-aware that this is just a kids movie and I should suspend reality a bit. That's not entertaining though, so shut up.

Let's go to the tape:

14 seconds- Look at the kid in the Bulls jacket

This has nothing to do with accuracy of the scene, but we can't ignore that kid. He is very 1992. He wants to look tough, but he forgets he is a very suburban white kid. Very Donnie Wahlberg of him.

15-28 seconds- Where are the adults?!

As a teacher, I can sniff out a fight anywhere. Here's the hint that a fight is brewing: THE WHOLE PLAYGROUND JUST RAN OVER TO THESE KIDS! Obviously, there is not a fight, but if this happens, that's a huge red flag to the teachers. Put out your cigarette and make sure these kids aren't turning the jungle gym into the Thunderdome. Also something of note, there is a solid 17 seconds where it's just kid's running to this potential fight. If I'm the teacher, I want to see what's happening over there.

30-34 seconds- Rocky challenges bullies

Rocky, the ever so even-keeled brother, helps his brother Colt, the hot head, out by challenging these goons to a two-on-two pickup game, rather than fighting which is what Colt definitely wants (If I was a ninja**, I'd do the same).

1:05-1:20- The wager

This is a very lopsided bet. If the bullies win, they get Emily's bike. If the lose, Emily gets to keep her bike. What does Rocky and Colt have to lose here? Absolutely nothing. If I was Emily, I would be pissed and 100% not down for this bet. Especially with the crap that Rocky pulls in the next section. I would definitely bet on these bullies to win, simply for the fact that they only have to score ONE DAMN POINT. This leads to our next point.

1:23-1:30- Rocky has some stones on him

In this clip, Rocky needs to clarify what they are playing this game to. The bully tells him that they're playing to 10 (duh***). This kid calls his shot and says that they will spot them 9 points and give them ball. Let me repeat that...SPOTTED THEM 9 POINTS TO A GAME TO 10. Again, the absurdity here goes back to Emily. Rocky just gave these guys a 9 point spot and the ball in a game for HER BIKE. Speak up girl. Now, back to the point of this section. I had some serious scraps on the blacktop during recess. My friends and I killed it on the court. Even with the most confidence, I would never spot the opposite team 9 points in a game to 10. Unless this kid has the shoes from the movie "Like Mike" this would not end well.

1:54-2:00- That's Goaltending

Rocky acts like he is letting this kid shoot. What an idiotic move when that team has to score one point. But also, HOW BOUT A GOSH DAMN GOALTENDING CALL!? This is absolutely garbage. I understand that it's school yard ball and if you call goaltending that you're kind of a pussy, but this is getting out of hand. The ball is clearly coming down when Rocky Spud Webb's it and blocks the shot. I would be so pissed if I was that kid. Arizona's goaltending wasn't this bad.

2:00-2:45- Horrendous Defense

How many 40-year-old-man-at-the-YMCA pump fakes can you fall for? Not a lot of heart for the game from these kids. They let Rocky dribble all over the place and whenever he got crossed, he just stopped. Also letting them shoot the most ridiculous shots. At one point, Rocky shot it backwards from 20 feet and cashed it. As well as the fact that this 11 year old JUST GOT OOPED! We will come back to that in a second.

3:30-3:50- AN 11-YEAR-OLD JUST DUNKED FROM 15-FEET AWAY

FOR THE TENTH POINT, ROCKY DUNKED FROM THE FREE THROW LINE! WTF!? No way. Nope. Not even 5-year-old me believed that. Total bullshit and I won't accept it.

I love this movie for what it is, but this scene as always pissed me off. You can beat up adult men all you want and I will accept it. But don't disrespect the blacktop. The school yard basketball game is sacred and the most lit place to be at recess. When someone disrespects it, it irritates me. If you ever have the time, go back and watch this movie. It will definitely send you back to a better time, but be critical of this scene.

*I made my parents buy me a Gi, because I was convinced I was a ninja and needed to have the proper uniform.

**I still am convinced at times that I am a ninja. For instance, when I'm changing, I sometimes take off my shorts down to my feet and then flick my shorts into the air and catch it in my hand. Therefore, ninja.

***The bully is rude, no doubt, but what a dumb question by Rocky. Of course you're playing to ten. This deserved a solid "duh."

          

RIP Tom Crean('s Tenure at IU)

After 9 years of nervous pacing and adjusting of Dockers, Tom Crean is out at IU. Fred Glass announced yesterday, as the NCAA tournament, that he was out of IU for the simple reason that he didn't win enough.

Many IU fans around the state of Indiana are rejoicing after this news due to a very disappointing 18-16. What most fans were disappointed with, however, was not the record, but the road to the final season record. Starting the season with huge wins over Kansas and North Carolina, both of which whom were ranked number in the top 5 when IU beat them. Indiana was ranked as high as number 3 in the country and then slump began.

Indiana lost some very winnable games, but the story of the season was the turnover issue. The Hoosiers averaged over 15 turnovers per game. After losing in first round of the NIT, Glass had seen enough and got rid of him.

Now, as an IU fan, I appreciate what Crean has done for the program with bringing it back into the conversation. Kelvin Sampson, due to NCAA infractions, left the basketball program in shambles and Crean took on the challenge. What he has done is great, but he had to go. I hope Fred has a guy in waiting, but I support the decision.

Now, as an honor to Tommy, I want to talk about what I will miss about Coach Crean now that he is gone.

1. Whatever the hell he was slugging during the game.

Every game that I watch of IU, Tommy Guns always was seen drinking some mystery liquid from a very small bottle of water. I have always wondered what it was he was drinking. Whatever it was, he drank it like I would drink a damn Kool Aid Jammer. He didn't just drink it, he would squeeze the sides of it because he couldn't hold back from that intensity. I always wondered why he put whatever it is in that tiny water bottle. If efficiency is his goal (which judging by how this season went, it is not) he should've put it in one giant bottle. He drank, what seemed like, 14 gallons of it during the game anyway. I will miss this.

2. His, apparently, ill-fitting Dockers.

As most people know, Tommy Bahama is a part of a family with another famous coach known for his pants in Jim Harbaugh. Jim is known for rocking with K-Mart khakis while he is coaching. Tom isn't as much known for the brand, but what seems to be the problems he has with his pants. He looks like Chris Farley's character Matt Foley from SNL when he's on the sideline. It's not so much that he has to pull his pants up. He just kind of pulls them vigorously from side to side. Due yourself a favor and watch an old clip of Matt Foley.

3. His overall photogenic nature.

This guy takes picture like my dad. He gives exactly zero shits about how he looks when he is on camera. The dude is a walking meme and it seems like he completely welcomes it. When Googling "Tom Crean funny pictures", there are PAGES of pictures that I could use to make you laugh. Please do yourself a favor and Google it and laugh for an extended amount of time. Most of the time when being interviewed after the game, he looks like someone just told him the most devastating news he could possibly hear.

This guy is unbelievable and I am going to miss him. I'm excited to see where he goes as well as where the future of IU basketball goes. Until then, Godspeed Tommy.

Dirk Nowitzki is a Hero

As a product of the Indiana, I’ve always loved basketball. Growing up in the 90’s and seeing guys like Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, and Magic Johnson play basketball was an unbelievable experience. Being a kid that stood at a towering 5’8 in high school, basketball was never going to be my thing, but I respected the game. One thing was clear, however, about the NBA in the 90’s and today; there is not a plethora of white guys that are proficient in the game.

Larry Bird is the G.O.A.T.* as far as white guys who play basketball. His range on the court as well as the stories of his legendary trash talk** made all of us lowly Indiana kids hope for better days. One thing that Larry did not reach in his playing career was the 30,000 point club. He will always be a legend, but this one accomplishment that did not fall for the Hick from French Lick.

Only five players had reached this title: Kareem Abdul-Jabar, Karl Malone, Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, and Wilt Chamberlain. Tuesday night, Dirk Nowitzki added his name to this list. Nowitzki and his gigantic frame finished with 25 points, but his 20^th point was the big one. This is not only a special moment for white guys, but for international white guys. He was the first player born outside of the U.S. to reach this achievement which is big for the game as well. All that aside, let’s talk about the hope he gave to all of us white guys who have been dunked on, so many times before.

The picture above is not a young Pat McAfee. It is, in fact, Dirk Nowitzki. This picture alone is enough for me to still have hope in scoring 30,000 in the league. You’re telling me that this guy is on the same list as Kareem and Michael? Let’s break this picture down to really understand how white Nowitzki is.

1.    The Butt-Cut

Kid you not, this is my exact haircut from 2^nd to 3^rd grade. That part down the middle was so slick that girls couldn’t help but swoon. Clearly, he is going for the Nick Carter look here and nailing it.

2.    Frosted Tips

Now, I know most of you are saying, “but he’s a natural blonde. Look at his hair now.” This is true; however, no one can deny that there is a definite change in tint from the top of his hair and the root. Clearly, trying, again, to pull off the 90’s boy band look hard here.

3.    Huge Hoop Earring (singular)

This man has one hoop earring. One. That one hoop earring looks like it goes all the way to his damned shoulder. This is the pinnacle of a white guy trying to look cool.

While this guy looks like Sasquatch trying to make it on the Mickey Mouse club, he has killed it in the NBA. Not only is he a part of the 30,000 point club, he also has a ring from beating the Heat in their first year as a super team with LeBron, Wade, and Bosh. Not only does he have a ring, but he has a smokeshow of a wife. She is way out of his league, but he still figured out a way to convince her to be with him. Are you kidding me?

Nowitzki is a legend. This is not a question, but being a big, ugly, white guy who is successful in the NBA is quite the accomplishment. My hat’s off to the big fella.

*Greatest of all time
**One time, the Bulls put Ben Poquette on Bird. Bird looked at Bulls coach Doug Collins and said, "Ben Poquette? Are you f—ing kidding me?" The guy was ruthless.

Grayson Allen is Not Nice

In sports, there are definitely heroes and villains. I would argue that that is a huge reason why we love sports. It is the closest that we get to witnessing a real life comic book. Humans who have super strength, speed, and can do very un-human things that make put us in a sense of awe.

Going back to my first statement, some of those athletes use their powers for good and some for evil. When we look at the villains of modern sport, our view of them depends on a few different things. One would be what team they play for. If a player that all of the country sees a dirtbag plays for the team to which you have pledged your allegiance, you tend to find the redeemable qualities. Someone tells you that your player is punk, most people respond with "He's just plays with passion." Thus, making you sound like a girlfriend taking up for her boyfriend who everyone can see is a tool. We all tend to find those redeemable qualities in the villains of our teams.

Grayson Allen is a butthole. This is an unarguable fact. He has, on multiple occasions tripped players on the floor. There is a compilation video of this. Most players have compilation videos of incredible plays and earth shattering dunks. This douche has one of himself being a douche. Grayson Allen is the kid who kicks in a fist fight.

Last week, Duke was playing at UNC in, arguably, the best college basketball rivalry of all time. Allen was in prime time and did not disappoint. Late in the first half, he received a technical foul for throwing an elbow into a UNC defenders face while driving to the bucket. Accidents happen in a physical sport, I get that. When you watch the replay, however, it was undoubtedly intentional. It was not a basketball play trying to get around a defender.

Now, you might be reading this and thinking, "C'mon, Ross. We have definitely seen worse from players. You're a Pacer fan. Do you not remember Ron Artest?" I certainly do. That was not okay...fun to watch and witness, but not okay. Here is what is more not okay though; having a temper tantrum on the sideline after getting a tech for, duh, tripping.

In Duke's game against Elon, earlier this year, Allen trips a player and is called for a tech. Watch his reaction on the sideline though. He acts like his mom and dad said "no" to him borrowing the Porsche for Friday night with his bros. This makes him the worst. 

I am a big fan of Coach K. I respect him probably more than any other coach. His program is a perennial contender and he does it in such a way that coaches look to as a benchmark. Coaches of all sports look to Coach K of how to run a program. And while he has had a number of dicks on his team (see Christian Laettner, Steve Wojciechowski, et al) This kid, who is a part of his program, sucks, however.

So here is what I want to do. I want to share a list of statements that I feel perfectly describe the character of Grayson Allen. I'm hoping that this will help those of you whom are reading and aren't really sure who this guy is. This should give you a glimpse of Grayson Allen.

Grayson Allen (probably*):

• Checks out 27 items in the 12 items or less line
• Drinks Smirnoff Ice and O'Douls
• Invites friends to play Farmville on Facebook
• Believes Harambe deserved to get shot
• Thinks La La Land should have won Best Picture instead of Moonlight
• Thinks 9/11 was an inside job
• Swims in the shallow end
• Shaves his legs
• Thinks Ben Affleck made a better Batman than Christian Bale
• Enjoys unfrosted Pop Tarts

*This list also serves as a list of signs that were on College Gameday, but I feel it still works.