It's Been 25 years and This Scene from "3 Ninjas" Still Pisses Me Off

Okay, I've been silent for far too long about this: The basketball scene in the 1992 movie "3 Ninjas" is bullshit. There is a laundry list of issues I've had with this scene. The absurdity of the events that happen have driven me crazy since I was a kid. Even as a five year old, self-proclaimed, ninja*, I have had issues with this.

Now, to be clear, I love this movie. As a nearly 30-year-old man, I will still make fun of my friends who is talking to a girl by chanting "Rocky loves Emily!" It's a classic and will never die. This movie was what made me believe I was a ninja. However, I cannot let this stand.

This nearly four minute video is action-packed with things that need to be addressed, so I want to break this scene down and analyze the buffoonery that occurs and discuss it's ridiculousness.

NOTE: I am well-aware that this is just a kids movie and I should suspend reality a bit. That's not entertaining though, so shut up.

Let's go to the tape:

14 seconds- Look at the kid in the Bulls jacket

This has nothing to do with accuracy of the scene, but we can't ignore that kid. He is very 1992. He wants to look tough, but he forgets he is a very suburban white kid. Very Donnie Wahlberg of him.

15-28 seconds- Where are the adults?!

As a teacher, I can sniff out a fight anywhere. Here's the hint that a fight is brewing: THE WHOLE PLAYGROUND JUST RAN OVER TO THESE KIDS! Obviously, there is not a fight, but if this happens, that's a huge red flag to the teachers. Put out your cigarette and make sure these kids aren't turning the jungle gym into the Thunderdome. Also something of note, there is a solid 17 seconds where it's just kid's running to this potential fight. If I'm the teacher, I want to see what's happening over there.

30-34 seconds- Rocky challenges bullies

Rocky, the ever so even-keeled brother, helps his brother Colt, the hot head, out by challenging these goons to a two-on-two pickup game, rather than fighting which is what Colt definitely wants (If I was a ninja**, I'd do the same).

1:05-1:20- The wager

This is a very lopsided bet. If the bullies win, they get Emily's bike. If the lose, Emily gets to keep her bike. What does Rocky and Colt have to lose here? Absolutely nothing. If I was Emily, I would be pissed and 100% not down for this bet. Especially with the crap that Rocky pulls in the next section. I would definitely bet on these bullies to win, simply for the fact that they only have to score ONE DAMN POINT. This leads to our next point.

1:23-1:30- Rocky has some stones on him

In this clip, Rocky needs to clarify what they are playing this game to. The bully tells him that they're playing to 10 (duh***). This kid calls his shot and says that they will spot them 9 points and give them ball. Let me repeat that...SPOTTED THEM 9 POINTS TO A GAME TO 10. Again, the absurdity here goes back to Emily. Rocky just gave these guys a 9 point spot and the ball in a game for HER BIKE. Speak up girl. Now, back to the point of this section. I had some serious scraps on the blacktop during recess. My friends and I killed it on the court. Even with the most confidence, I would never spot the opposite team 9 points in a game to 10. Unless this kid has the shoes from the movie "Like Mike" this would not end well.

1:54-2:00- That's Goaltending

Rocky acts like he is letting this kid shoot. What an idiotic move when that team has to score one point. But also, HOW BOUT A GOSH DAMN GOALTENDING CALL!? This is absolutely garbage. I understand that it's school yard ball and if you call goaltending that you're kind of a pussy, but this is getting out of hand. The ball is clearly coming down when Rocky Spud Webb's it and blocks the shot. I would be so pissed if I was that kid. Arizona's goaltending wasn't this bad.

2:00-2:45- Horrendous Defense

How many 40-year-old-man-at-the-YMCA pump fakes can you fall for? Not a lot of heart for the game from these kids. They let Rocky dribble all over the place and whenever he got crossed, he just stopped. Also letting them shoot the most ridiculous shots. At one point, Rocky shot it backwards from 20 feet and cashed it. As well as the fact that this 11 year old JUST GOT OOPED! We will come back to that in a second.

3:30-3:50- AN 11-YEAR-OLD JUST DUNKED FROM 15-FEET AWAY

FOR THE TENTH POINT, ROCKY DUNKED FROM THE FREE THROW LINE! WTF!? No way. Nope. Not even 5-year-old me believed that. Total bullshit and I won't accept it.

I love this movie for what it is, but this scene as always pissed me off. You can beat up adult men all you want and I will accept it. But don't disrespect the blacktop. The school yard basketball game is sacred and the most lit place to be at recess. When someone disrespects it, it irritates me. If you ever have the time, go back and watch this movie. It will definitely send you back to a better time, but be critical of this scene.

*I made my parents buy me a Gi, because I was convinced I was a ninja and needed to have the proper uniform.

**I still am convinced at times that I am a ninja. For instance, when I'm changing, I sometimes take off my shorts down to my feet and then flick my shorts into the air and catch it in my hand. Therefore, ninja.

***The bully is rude, no doubt, but what a dumb question by Rocky. Of course you're playing to ten. This deserved a solid "duh."